You matched, the chat opened, and now there's a blank screen, a blinking cursor, and nothing in your head. A familiar feeling. The good news: your first message matters a lot less than it feels like it does. It doesn't need to be witty, polished, or memorable. It only needs to do one thing — give the other person an easy reason to reply.

Why "Hey, how are you?" doesn't work

Not because it's rude or boring. Because there's nothing to say back to it. The other person looks at your message and realizes that if this conversation is going anywhere, they'll have to come up with a topic themselves. Half of people won't bother.

A good first message makes replying easy. It hands the other person something to grab onto.

There's a second reason too. "Hey, how are you?" could be sent to anyone without even opening their profile, and people can feel that. A message that could only have been written for this one person says, without spelling it out, that you actually noticed them.

Three things that work

Ask about something already in their profile. Not the photo — the words. "You mentioned singing in the choir. How long have you been doing that?" This shows you actually read the profile instead of just scrolling past it. Open-ended questions that can't be answered with a yes or no work best: "How did you get into the choir?" gives more to work with than "Do you like singing?"

Share one specific thing about yourself. Not "I love traveling," but "Last year I went backpacking alone for the first time and realized silence is a skill." Specific details land; generic ones slide right by. One real detail about you is worth more than a list of hobbies.

Point out something you have in common. Same denomination, same city, similar views on family — you already know this from their profile. It's an easy way in: "Looks like we're both from Austin — what part of town? I've lived on the east side my whole life."

Sample first messages

A few you can use as a starting point. Don't copy them word for word — plug in what's actually in the other person's profile, and what's actually true about you.

  • "Hi! You mentioned you volunteer at an animal shelter on Saturdays. How did you end up doing that? I've been thinking about volunteering myself but haven't known where to start."
  • "Good evening! I saw Iona in your photos — I went there last summer. Were you there as a pilgrim, or just traveling?"
  • "Hi! I loved how you described family in your profile — 'a home you actually want to come back to.' What makes a home feel that way to you?"
  • "Hey! Are you a Lewis fan too? I'm rereading The Screwtape Letters right now and keep finding something new in it. What's your favorite book?"

All four follow the same shape: a greeting, a detail from their profile, a question, and sometimes a little about you. Three or four lines, no more.

How to keep it going once they reply

The first message opens the door, but the conversation lives on what happens next. A few simple rules.

Respond to what they actually said. If they told you how they got into the choir, don't jump straight to the next question on your mental list. React to what they said, ask a follow-up, share something similar from your own experience. A conversation that's all questions starts to feel like an interview.

Keep it balanced. A good exchange is one where both people ask and share. If you notice you're writing long replies and they're answering in one line, slow down and give them room.

Don't rush, but don't stall either. A week or two of real conversation is a good amount of time before suggesting a call or a meetup. Messaging for months builds an illusion of closeness that doesn't hold up once you actually meet. For how to prepare for that, see "First Date: How to Plan It and Stay Safe".

What to avoid

Don't apologize for messaging. Don't comment on someone's looks in the first message, even as a compliment — it shifts the conversation somewhere you probably didn't intend. And don't send a long letter right away: they don't know you well enough yet to read three paragraphs.

Three more things that tend to ruin a good start:

  • A copy-paste template. It's obvious, especially when there's not a single detail from the actual profile in it.
  • Questions about marriage and kids in the first message. Intentions are already visible in the profile; asking about it this early feels like pressure.
  • Jokes that push the line. Something that's funny among friends can easily land wrong with someone you don't know yet. Humor works better once you know each other a bit.

If they don't reply

It happens. Don't send a follow-up like "so, guess I wasn't your type?" They might have opened the chat at a bad moment, hesitated, gotten distracted. Silence isn't a rejection, but it's not an invitation to push either.

If a few days pass, one calm follow-up is fine: "Hi! If you're ever up for talking, I'd love to." No guilt trip, no "why aren't you answering." If that goes unanswered too, that's your answer.

The healthiest thing you can do is go back to browsing. Nobody here is keeping score against you — you're just moving forward. One unanswered message says nothing about you; it just means this particular conversation didn't click right now.

If you're feeling shy and don't know where to start

The app gives you access to professional help. A licensed psychologist works as both matchmaker and consultant. They can help you shape a conversation, prepare for that first exchange, and, if needed, act as a go-between for your first conversation. They can also stay with you through later conversations or your search, and if something doesn't work out, help you get back on your feet, feel more confident, and keep going.

If you're just starting your search and aren't sure where or how to meet people, start with "How to Meet a Christian for Marriage".